Reflections on transition and how it has affected my spiritual life.

Please note: Religious content that may be upsetting to some. In the following there are instances where certain so-called "hate scriptures" are referenced. Please do not think for one moment that I subscribe to the contexts and generally accepted legalisms mandated by them in the orthodox religious sense here. They are not here to comment on how I perceive the world and others in it. I use them here because they were specifically used against me. This is, after all an autobiographical piece. I deny no one their human rights and dignity as an individual. Thinking back over the last 4 years since I was finally allowed to begin transition (I was denied for 37 years because of medical history!) I believe that the most frustrating aspect of this has been the reaction of my church at the time I came out. Knowing that I had to do something or die, I had contacted the pastor of my church and gave him 411 on transsexualism. At the time, I was attending a Christian Reformed Church for the simple reason that they offered a less dogmatic approach to religion than many of the more traditional churches that I have attended over my lifetime - and they require that their ordained ministry have a degree in theology that includes Greek and the "Dirty Greek" spoken at the time of Christ and the Apostles, unlike some of the more fundamental sects. I think that there is one thing here that should be made succinctly clear here. Transsexualism is not about idly choosing to have a sex change so one can have a wild sex life, hopping from bed to bed in a wild orgy of sexual diversity. Generally speaking, if one is married, they would really prefer that they not lose their spouse and children. I have never met a transsexual who wanted to be divorced from their spouse, preferring to keep their relationship with their spouse, and their children, if there are any. This was a point that I made with my pastor. Let's face it, when I married, I did so for life, for better and for worse, in sickness and in health. Since beginning transition, let's just say that sex is not really all that appealing (or possible) to me at the present time and leave it at that. My pastor being one of the most Christ-like people that I have ever met, checked my original letter to him on the topic through a seminary friend of his who is a licensed therapist. The word came back that GID is not a sexual addiction, homosexuality (which I have no problems with - but most Christians do!) nor is it a fetish. It is a well documented condition that responds well only to hormonal therapy and gender permissions, with sex reassignment surgery. Nothing else, like healing prayer, anointing with oil or the laying on of hands - not to mention psychotherapy, psychiatry, have been repeatedly shown to be of dubious worth at best. After seeing this, and consulting with several other specialists in the fields of psychology, medicine and theology, he was led to believe that this is indeed an intense suffering that has a lot of lethal potential - from suicide to death from long term effects from stress related illnesses. He agreed to take up my request that I be allowed to stay within the congregation as I went through the process of becoming the sex that I have always identified with. All well and good. A date was set for me to talk to the church's counsel of elders and deacons. The meeting with the church counsel occurred in September of 2006 and went over like a lead balloon. The lay leadership, primarily the elders wound up in a 2 pro, 2 no opinion, and 2 outright ready to burn me at the stake. Needless to say, when the situation was pretty much the same with the congregation. One third was for me as they had known me for years and had seen my suffering very poignantly - and seen my relief in startling clarity after I started HRT. While I had not informed them of what was up, they knew that something major and curative had occurred in my life. One Third of the Congregation were uncomfortable with what I was doing, yet were willing to grant me grace and rely on God to lead them in what was appropriate. The final one-third was outright against me, although only about 10% of the total congregation was proactive about doing something about me. This 10% was loud enough in their protestations to make up for the other 90% of the church. Needless to say, I found it expedient to rescind my membership and go elsewhere as some there were making noises about having a barbecue with me as the guest of honor - or the contemporary equivalent thereof. I guess that the important point here is that the ordained ministry was willing to grant grace and learn from my experiences. It was the lay leadership, and their own sense of self importance and self-purity that seemed to present the most problems. Also, a lot of the congregation was up in arms about what I was doing as well. This was especially true of the segment of the congregation that had come from third world Roman Catholic backgrounds such as those of Filipino and Central/South American roots. Yes - it was a very diverse congregation, which is one of the reasons that I loved the church so much. It actually reflected the demographics of the neighborhood. The pastor was also the only minister that I have ever met that really walked the talk he talked. OK... So now I'm out of a church, and despite what a lot of people think, I have a very strong belief of the teachings of Jesus of Nazareth. I fully believe that we need a lot less in the way of Christians and a lot more people who are indeed Christ-like - and not legalistic with an all inclusive and literal belief in scripture. That way leads to the leaven of the Pharisees! So anyway, I set out to find a new church home. The first place I tried was a Presbyterian Church, not too far from home. My attendance time was almost 10 minutes, when one of the ushers and an elder of the church came up and asked me politely to leave. As they were polite, I did not make an issue out of it and went home. No God fix for me that week. The next week, I went to a local Methodist Church. This time, I was asked to leave by the greeter before I even got to the sanctuary. I had enough time to run down the street and try a Baptist church that had a sign that said "All are welcome here." My tenure here lasted until about half way through the sermon. As the minister was giving a sermon on grace and forgiveness, he spotted me in the audience. He stopped dead in his tracks and pointed at me and said, "Leave this holy place immediately! We do not tolerate homosexuals here." As I got up and headed up the aisle toward the door, I stopped, turned toward the pulpit and told the minister, "Well, so much for the grace of God!" I tried several other churches over the next few months until I finally visited a local United Church of Christ. Their minister was on a six week sabbatical, but the congregation welcomed me with open arms and made me feel quite welcome. I attended for several weeks, listening to different guest pastors and getting to know the people in the congregation. This particular congregation is what's know in UCC circles as an ONA church. ONA stands for Open and Affirming and they welcome LBGTQI individuals with open arms. The start of each service begins with the phrase,"No matter who you are. No matter where you are on life's journey, you are welcome here." I guess that what is so disappointing here is that the mainstream churches are becoming increasingly "Fortress Churches" where only those with convenient types of sin are allowed inside the fortress. Those who present with inconvenient problems are being sent away. It seems kind of funny, but for years I was told that the UCC was a synagogue of Satan and a cult. However, now that I have attended this church for over three years and see who is doing what, it would seem that this "Synagogue of Satan" is acting the way that Jesus behaved and the mainstream churches are like the priest and the Pharisee in the parable of the Good Samaritan. What is really amazing, is that the UCC came out of the same kernel as the Christian Reformed Church. The primary difference? They are a bit short on dogmas - which I believe is actually a good thing. Anyway, I have found a church home and family, and I am doing quite nicely. It would seem that if anything is mainstream in this culture nowadays, I would have to say that they are questionable - unless their behaviors show them to be otherwise. It is really easy to deal with someone with convenient problems, however true faith requires to love those who are difficult to love in order that God may use you as a tool of redemption and grace. For many of us, we must reach the point of breaking before we can begin to be healed, just like a bone that was broken and healed incorrectly must be broken to be able to align it to heal correctly. I do believe that God does speak to us through the creation. I believe that any church that places all of its faith in scripture has began worshiping the words but not the God behind them. Funny that scripture can become the altar of one's own sense of purity and righteousness. From everything I have seen in scripture that it is not the righteous that need the church, but those who are broken and injured in spirit. A church is pretty much like a hospital. The healthy do not need it, but those with problems do. What kind of a hospital only allows the healthy in their doors? Hopefully, I'm following Christ - and not his followers. JMHO, Joanie